Living with Depression

I remember people, and even my parents and siblings, telling me, "You need to just get up and shower. Find something you love doing. Go exercise. You know, find something that can be your outlet." And I remember feeling like, "I can't even get to the point of finding something I like," or "I literally can't get to the shower. That's what I'm telling you," and just feeling, like, a blank stare back at me, almost. I feel like, reading about the Atonement and how the Atonement can wipe away our sins, it can heal us from our sorrows--that I felt like my depression should be connected to that. And I never wanted to be medicated, ever. I didn't want to see a counselor. I didn't want to be a person on medicine for this.

Eventually I went to the doctor, and she kind of got my story, and she said, "There's all sorts of medications that we can try." And I said, "I don't want that." I told her I didn't want to be on anything. And she asked me why, what were my feelings, and I told her, "I feel like the Savior should be able to take this away from me.

I feel like my prayers should be answered, that I don't want this, and that He should take it away." And she just looked me straight in the eye, and she kind of got closer to me and she said, "Whoever said I'm not the answer to your prayer?" And the Spirit penetrated my heart and just said, "She's right." For a long time I did feel ashamed. I felt ashamed that I felt this way. I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I had to talk to a counselor. I felt even more ashamed and embarrassed that I would have to be prescribed something to help me get over this. And I remember kneeling by my bed and just asking the Savior, "Where have You been? Why weren't You there in those moments when I needed You?" I remember hearing, "Heather, I was there all those moments," and that the answer, for me, wasn't just that it was going to be swept away, but that the doctors were going to be able to help me.

And today I've never felt more like myself, and finding joy in my life, and I still have emotions. I don't feel numb inside. I still have days when it's hard and I'm sad, but I'm me, and I have found joy in life. It's because of the Savior that I have found peace in this and realized that there's nothing to be ashamed of.

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